Apr 18, 2018
I spent my life looking down, looking at the floor, looking down on life, looking down on myself; feeling small and insignificant. I couldn’t look people in the eyes and mumbled when I spoke, out of fear. Fear that somehow I’d get in trouble, that I wasn’t gonna make any sense, that people would judge me, that I’d be rejected. I felt isolated, cast aside and cold.
Growing up I wasn’t allowed to show up as my true self. Whenever I did I was always made to feel small, feel like I had no place, like I was a problem child. And at 16 it was cemented in my mind that I would be rejected if I was true to myself. And it was this fear of rejection that had kept me stuck all my life. Day in and day out I’d ask myself “If my family don’t accept me, then who will?” But I wasn’t able to carry myself the way they wanted me to... So I just shut down and became an expert at making myself invisible. I kept quiet, stayed out of everyone’s way, kept my head down and in doing this receded from the world and myself. Dragging myself through life aimlessly, not wanting to see another day.
You see I stopped acknowledging myself and in doing so I wasn’t able to understand myself or what was happening around me. I didn’t acknowledge my feelings or pay any attention to my thoughts. And over time lost touch with who I truly was, settling for less than I wanted or deserved.
I’ve always said that I’m a family man and always been keen on going to family gatherings. Even if it meant taking the busiest night off work and driving 50 miles to be there or running the risk of being fined for having too many people in my car. But when I made the decision to live a better life, taking the time to understand myself and my needs. I realised that me putting myself out to be at those gatherings, where I felt like an outcast, spending the whole event wishing that someone would truly notice me; it was just me looking for that acceptance again.
And the moment I clocked that, letting go of the beliefs, I felt free of the restraints that had been placed on me, I no longer felt the need to seek approval or acceptance from anyone. Which allowed me to stop worrying about being rejected and only seeing my life from one angle. Ultimately giving me confidence in being seen by people and opening up. From this point I was then able to look people in the eyes, conversate and connect with people. No mumbling, no looking down at the ground as I walk through the streets, no more looking down on myself as though I am nothing. I walk tall, carrying myself confidently and smiling with other as we cross paths 😁
My world has become a better place to live and it all started with acknowledging my feelings 🙏🏽💖